Still waiting...

The time is 6:45 pm...and I am still waiting...for no special reason. I could have just gone home and actually kept my mouth shut for the next three days...but I know thats too tough for me, coz I cant realy do without...It was 12:15 pm when I said bye, and expected that it would be just a matter of about a couple of hours, but well...guess I was wrong...

There was not a minute when I did not check my watch and the main entrance for the return...not a single thought where I did not try to hear footsteps...not a single blink where my eyes were not at the door...time - 4:15 pm...I was becoming restless...and so, I was composing a short angry email, when I got a call... "hey, I am taking the rest of the day off...so, can you just..." -Bang!! went my phone...

Why? Why am I still waiting? Me? Neah...I'm busy writing a blog...and once I'm done, I'll be gone...(read: I'm waiting...on the pretext of writing a blog...and I will be done only by the time of return...). Two minds eh?? I am right now in a state of ambivalence...and I dont know which one is correct...yes, I'm angry...frustrated...irritated...restless...helpless...coz I just DONT KNOW what to do!!! Is there any reason for me to be angry? No...who the hell am I to be angry...for a reason which is actually silly(or is it?? for me??)...what right do I have on one's life to take decisions?? I cant stop anyone from going anywhere...can I??

But...what if I want to?? What if I want to spend more time together?? What if I dont really have much time?? Any answers?? If yes, then please help me...coz I dont want to be angry...I dont wanna be frustrated just bcoz I couldnt be an important part of somebody's life...I want to learn to accept things....I want to learn to face reality...and live with it...I want to move on...can somebody help me??

Its 7:13 pm...and there is still no sign of return...should I wait?? Should I not??

I know...or do I??

I know he's not mine...but why do I crave??
         I know I can't reach it...but why are my hands stretched??
I know its a silent dream...but I want it to be real...
         I know time has passed...but I'm holding on to the past...

why, I do not know...he lingers in my mind...
         why, I do not know...he lives in my soul...
why, I do not know...my heart still beats for him...
         why, i do not know...I love him all the more...

I want to know...if he ever loved me??
          I want to know...if he, like me, craved too??
I want to know...if my dream could've been real??
          I want to know...if he could have been mine??

I want him to know...that I love him like crazy...
          I want him to know...that he dwells in my heart...
I want him to know...that he has touched my soul...
          I want him to know...that in my dreams, he's mine......
 

Lost in thought...

Its tough not to think, its more difficult to keep thinking, and its worse when the thought of someone or something keeps hovering around you till eternity. Some one told me once that i need to come out of this...yes i know i have to...but well, i dont really know how i am supposed to be doing it...yes, i know i have to divert my mind...but what could be a possible distraction, apart from the thoughts that are still lingering in my mind?? Joining the gym?? Or maybe Dance classes?? Or even better, self defence?? All of them are valid...but nothing really helps as long as i wont put in my efforts. A friend told me that one reason why I'm not able to get out this mental depression is that I myself dont WANT to come out of it...i WANT to keep thinking about it...yes...true...very true...he's right...

i miss home...far away in mumbai...i miss my friends out there...Santosh, Vadi, Neha, Prachi, Dips, Archu, Harshu...those days were real fun...its been more than two years now since i left the wonderfully "on-its-toes" city "aamchi mumbai" and settled here in "Namma Bengalooru"...life is great here...but its a camouflage...u never really can know what colors the city will show u...but yes, its a nice place to live in...

2 years of independence tought me many things...responsibilites, freedom, professionalism, financial aspects...and....love...it tought me how to love selflessly and unconditionally...by "it" i surely mean the "him" in the city...and by him, i mean, my Best Friend...he made me realize that im a smart, responsible and a brave girl...he made me realize that i can be a great friend, he tought me how to fight my weaknesses...those 2 years were both fun and fear...of love and hate, of delight and disgust, of happiness n sorrow...and yes...of losing and yet loving...its past, but why is it that i wanna hold on to it? he told me that life is to just let go...but it looks tough...very tough...i feel left out, lonely, craving...i feel lost...lost in my own thoughts...

my best friend

For a guy who has great looks,
For someone whose always into books,
Hey! This one goes out to you my dear…
And I wanna say this loud and clear.

At first sight, it wasn’t good to know you,
Coz you were a man, with words so few,
But then I thought, you aren’t so bad,
You could be rude, but just a tad.

A great personality, a charming one at that,
Magnetic, I must say, but far too fat, 
The apple of the girls’ eye, I must say,
You wouldn’t give up on gals, come what may…

You have the power of conviction,
And you can easily cause addiction,
I got attracted, maybe that’s why,
And now I see, the times fly…

We became friends, inseparable always,
There’s something, that this conveys,
That, friends we are, forever and ever,
Be there for me, and leave me never…

It took me time, and yes a lot,
To achieve today what I got,
I got you as a friend, yes my best,
To cherish, from all the rest.

We’ve fought a lot, and we’ve had fun,
Spent crazy times, under the sun,
I’ll never forget, those silent night walks,
Those special moments, those special talks…

And now maybe its time, to part ways,
Oh! How I’ll miss those wonderful days,
Hey Dude! Remember me if you can,
You’ve been an asset, in such a short span…

I’ll miss you a lot; you’ll be in my heart,
So what if you are, miles apart,
Always keep smiling, and keep up the power,
Coz I love you Friend, just the way you are!!!