Forty-fied!!

They say you grow wiser with age. True that, no doubt. But here’s the truth – you also grow OLDER . The word “wise” is just a way to distract you from reality lol.

With that out of the way, yeah, I grew “wiser” this weekend. Hit the top of the hill, started the “prime” of my life, etc etc. In short, I “forty-fied” . And I was celebrated this weekend. That is actually an understatement. It was a festival in itself. I felt like I was on cloud nine. So, I just couldn’t stop myself from putting this long post.

So yeah, I’ve lived half my life, right? Pretty much. And it was very few times in these past twenty-something years that I ever had a birthday party; you know, invite friends over, cut cake, get samosas and chips, or take my friends out for a birthday treat when in college. I was pretty used to not being the center of attention. I was one of those underestimated and under-valued kids that didn’t deserve the attention.

Cut to Friday, Aug 25th - Sunday Aug 27th 2023. I felt like a QUEEN. Like I was on top of the world. Like the whole world was celebrating my milestone birthday. I cut cake four times this past weekend. FOUR. TIMES. And each time, I was surrounded by amazing friends that I felt lucky to be blessed with by God. I had video messages from friends and family from around the world, all wishing a very happy 40th birthday. It felt unreal. I couldn’t believe that they were all celebrating ME! I cried each time my friends and family threw me a surprise party. I was overwhelmed, happy, emotional, grateful, everything at the same time by the outpour of SO. MUCH. LOVE.

On that note, I want to mention a few people in my life that have made such a huge huge difference, and their wishes on my birthday meant so much to me.

I will start with my parents Rama Nagaraj Nagaraja PS, who did everything right by my side to provide me with the right values, education and a good life. Thanks Pappa Amma I love you so much!

Next, it is my sister Deepa Tarunkumar, who is not just my Akka, but my best friend, my confidante and pretty much my second mom. I don't know what I'd do without you.

The love of my life, Vijay Jayaram. You are my rock, my biggest supporter and motivator, and everything in between. I can’t imagine life without you and our kids. You guys are my entire world.

My in-laws – Amma and Jayaram Aragam Shivaswamy. Mom, I miss you. But I am grateful for those 13 years I got with you. Thank you for loving me so much that I never felt like I am a daughter-in-law. Always your daughter.

Santosh Setty – If there is any word bigger than “Best Friend”, that is YOU. You are my bestessssssssst buddy in this whole wide world. No one, and I mean it, NO ONE can take your place. Love you so so so much!

Neha Khanijo Karia – You’re my childhood pal, my love! I have fought with you so much, but the love still remains. Thanks for always having my back girl… and hey… you’re gonna join the club soon

Pankaj Singh Sunil Kumar -- True Bros, you guys. Always there for me. Being with you was like being in the "no judgement" zone.

Sachin and Parag -- I can never forget our Bangalore days! Fun times! So many fights, so many restaurants and so many drinks!

Anuja Parulekar and Akshay – You are my very first friends in the US! And I will be forever grateful for your friendship, and your timely help when we really needed it.

And then, Santosh Sahu Naismika Sahu Nishant Krishna Neelam Singh -- sending you lots of hugs!

Shraddha Joshi -- You're my soul sister, my person. I love you with all my heart, and I am so grateful for you in my life

Surya Vasishta Suchi Tra shruthi Pavithra Manjunath Vinod Satyanarayana Priyanka Manjunath prakalp Omkar Sa -- I'm so lucky to be a part of such a beautiful family! Thank you for opening your hearts to me.

Aastha Saxena Mytri Grandhi Pansy Patel Gayathri Shriram Laxmi Navaneeta Chalasani Sugeetha Smitha Gadicherla Sabina Dabre Sneha Gokulakrishnan Sunitha Shruti Serikar Nami Sowmya Sriharsha Sripriya Mandyam Priya Vithal Kulkarni Pallavi Sree Malini Mulbagal Madhu Sindhura G Chitloor -- You are all my FAMILY! I am so lucky to have such amazing friends as you all. Thank you for not expecting me to change and loving me despite all my craziness.

I'm sure I have forgotten few names... but if you've touched my life, please know that you are in my heart. You know who you are.

Alright, so here's to being "Forty-fied"!

 

My last words...

One day I will be gone, never to return,

you'll search, you'll wonder, but never know why

I will fade into the darkness, lost and never found,

It is then you'll realize, that you didn't even say goodbye

Ever since I remember, 

You need to change — I was told

Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t be YOU,

The entire world against me, lo and behold!

It was a success! Well, here I am,

The ever changing version of me,

I don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore,

Coz I’m always adapting to who YOU want me to be. 

You’re too loud, you're too intense 

You’re so immature, you’re such a child

Stop yelling, stop crying, stop feeling, stop speaking,

You should’ve cried, no, wait, you should’ve smiled. 

I keep changing myself, hoping one day

I will be seen for who I really am,

What an irony that is, I don’t blame you,

This change thing, I tell ya, is all such a sham

But am I so flawed? God must've made a mistake!

coz nothing about me seems right, I am always in the wrong,

I'm loud, just too much, I'm impatient, I have a temper,

yes, you've all got me convinced, here, I don't belong.

Do tell me, is it really that bad to be me?

Is it bad to be loud, feisty, fun, stubborn?

I don’t question or make fun of you, so why me?

coz I've been all of that ever since I was born.

What do you get by making fun of me?

What do you get by judging me so?

I don't think you're perfect either,

so why the humiliation and what's with the pomp and show?

Now I feel worthless, and I feel unimportant

I smile, I laugh, I really try. But the truth is I just wanna die

I just wish I had the courage to make that happen,

rid you all of the nuisance I am, bid you all goodbye

But when I am not around, is when you will miss me,

coz the life of the party would be gone,

I hope that'll teach you to not bully her,

when someday another one like me comes along.

9/11: 20 years on…

When 9/11 happened, I was in my 2nd year of Engineering. And I couldn’t fathom the gravity of the attacks. I arrived in the US in 2007 and still felt nothing. But then I visited NYC in 2008 and we went to the still-in-construction(read still collecting) 9/11 memorial museum. Ground zero was completely covered with walls so that no one could see the rubble(yes there still was a lot someone told me). In the museum, I saw a shoe, a metal bar from the building’s foundation, a driver’s license among other things. And that’s when it hit me. I had a lump in my throat. My stomach churned like someone was squeezing my insides. Just the thought of putting my loved one in that situation drove me into a panic attack. I started reading up about the attacks more, only to realize then how cruel and barbaric they were. I couldn’t imagine the trauma of the victims, their families and even the survivors…

Today, it is 20 years to that dreadful day, one that started out to be absolutely clear and beautiful. And today is also equally beautiful out here in Pittsburgh. At 8:46am and 9:03am, when the planes hit the towers, I was soundly sleeping with my family. I awoke at 9:15am and that was my first thought. How lucky am I to be with the ones I love. And how hard must today be for those who survived the attacks or have lost their loved one 20 years ago…

But this country came together in more ways than I can imagine… yes a lot had to be sacrificed for it — personal space, freedom, extra strict security measures and way too many questions at immigration. But one bitten is twice shy. All the documentaries we watch online imply in one way or another that the law enforcement agencies made a lot of mistakes. But the nation has learnt from it. And this black day in history has taught the people of America strength, determination and courage. Not to mention more appreciation and value for your friends and family. 

On that note, today I decided to cherish exactly that. It is definitely a difficult day for the families of 2997 Americans, but they are not alone in this. The entire country is with them, in spirit. Including me and my family. I watched the live memorial today and now plan to spend some quality time with my family. Go for a walk to the north shore, play a game of snakes & ladders and eat together at the dinner table(try to at least haha), and get some cuddles in together before bedtime. All the while remembering the victims and their families, the first responders and the survivors…and praying for them. 🙏