A mistake? Or a lesson?

The year was 1998. I was in std 10 then. You might wanna say I was an immature, childish and irresponsible person. Well, that I was. But I guess I was more than that, albeit all those negative adjectives. I am sure I was sensitive, loyal, and, a very good friend - of course to those who wanted me to be a good friend. I had too much going on in my life then. Yeah right, back then in std 10!! It all sounds so stupid, but it is true.

I had found a great friend in Smriti, since Std 5. She was my Best Friend. We were in the same class all the way till 10th. When we started 9th, all the schools in Anushaktinagar decided to shuffle students. So we had new faces in our class in std 9. It was nice. Great, actually. We were a group of six friends, supposedly very notorious. Smriti, Me, Anupama, Anisha, Ashwini and Nandita. SAAANS. I used to think of it that way. I wasn't really great friends with Nandita and Anupama, but others were and so we hung out together. Std 9 was pretty good. It all started when we came to std 10.

It is now 2009. More than 10 years since that happened.

My phone rang at around 10 am today. I wondered, looking at the number, as to who it could be. It was not a familiar one.

"Hello".

"Anisha here".

"Oh Hi Anisha, how have you been? Long time yaar... when did you come back from India?Oh ok... Actually we moved to NJ recently, so I was a bit busy too....its ok...aur, tu bata, wassup?".

I had been in touch with Anisha since only a few months now. We happened to come across each other's profiles on a social networking site. The last I had ever spoken to her was the day I had had a tiff with Nandita, back in 1998. It felt good to talk to her today, but then we started talking about that day, and she said some things that left me thinking.

Anisha: "You remember Piyush? Are you in touch with him?"

Me: "Piyush? Piyush Pathak? Well, not exactly. He's in my friends' list though. What about him?"

Anisha: "Nothing yaar, just remembered how things went bad between Nandu and Piyush"

Me: "Nandita and Piyush were going around?? When? I don't believe it!! And when did they break up??"

Anisha: "Don't you remember Savita? It was because of you that they even started going out!!"
Me: "Wow!! Seriously I don't remember a thing!!"

Anisha:"Anyways, you were never really into anything about Nandu...I guess that's why you slapped her..."

Me: "Well yeah, that is not something which I am really proud of, you know. In fact, I used to like you, Ashwini and Smriti so much, and I lost out on three good friends coz of that. Had I not done that, I dunno about me and Nandita or even Anupama for that matter, but I'm pretty sure I would have been great friends with you, Ashwini and Smriti. Although I am in touch with the three of you now, I'm sure you would agree I'm not one of your 'friends' now. Coz that is the case with me today."

Anisha: "We were too loyal to her, you know. So even if you would have approached us after slapping Nandu, it wouldn't have made any difference to us. We wouldn't have spoken to you."

Me: "I was just a kid then yaar...In fact, to be frank, the day I slapped Nandita, I was so scared she would slap me back, but somehow she didn't. Instead, she went and complained to Maria teacher."

Anisha: "Hum sab bachche the Savita. But Nandita is hitting you back by never speaking with you ever right??"

I did reply back to her question, but her statement kind of hit me really bad. I was shocked to see the same attitude even today!! I had never really liked Nandita that much... and so I never approached her, nor did she. But in all of this conversation, and even today no one knows my side of the story, as to even why I had slapped Nandita. The truth is, she had insulted my parents, and had said some really mean stuff (which doesn't matter to me now, and isnt worth mentioning either, but at that age, it was really a big deal to me). It had been going on since three days and I couldn't take it any longer. That was when I had slapped her. I am sure the other four don't know this, nor they ever tried to understand me. I just silently walked out of the group, knowing that they were "loyal" to Nandita. Loyal?? Loyalty towards what?? Just because I wasn't their kind, I was least accepted among the peer. I was more of a serious person, than lets-flirt-while-the-guys-are-around type. I couldn't help it, and I don't regret it either. When I used to participate in the sports events, every other participant had someone cheering for him/her. But my "friends" were never available!! No one EVER came to be there for me when I needed them most. When Smriti started going out with the wrong guy, the others, including me were all there to keep her away from him. But when the same guy used me, they weren't around, coz they were all "loyal" to Nandita, and dint even care about me once. My teenage got ruined coz of that one slap?? Wow!! Unbelievable!! Every time I had something very exciting to say, I was neglected. They neglected me, and I paid the price for it - Three wonderful people; Anisha, Ashwini and Smriti. No wonder I couldn't make a lot of friends ever after that, coz I could never trust anyone. I have very less friends, but each one of them is a true friend. Harshu, Nehu, Pankaj, Rupesh, Prachi, Vadi, Dips, Amar, Sudha, Parag, Surya and above all Viju...yes, they are all precious, each one of them. And each one of them knows me in and out.

What should I call that incident of my life? A mistake, or something that told me that none of them deserved to be called my friends?? I don't know, and I have nothing at all against any of them today. I am definitely on talking terms with Anisha, Ashwini and Smriti, but its not the same today. There is something lurking in the minds of each one of us with every chat, scrap or call that I have with any of them. The essence of friendship is gone. I surely hope to become their friends again someday, I would be more tha happy, coz I still like the three of them. But I have definitely learnt something from that incident today - It is "loyalty" that matters, and not what is right, or wrong. No one will ever bother to hear your version as long as they are convinced that you are wrong. So, when you make friends, be careful to never make a mistake, and if you do, make sure you have a very convincing story to justify yourself!! :)

Nothing to say, nothing to tell...

Been a long long time since I wrote... I dunno why, either I havent been able to take out time for it, or life hasnt really been that motivating. Feels like I'm still in reel number 3 or 4 of an "n" reel movie.

Although there have been some exciting things happening with us... for a start, we got pet fish at home... we now have four in all...it has been almost two months now...feels good to see those little ones swimming their way to glory. And then, I happened to get my EAC number for H1-B visa, so I'm hoping that I would get the visa soon... if that happens, life will get a kick start. There was a time when I wanted to work coz "I wanted to work". Now the basic reason for me wanting to work has changed... now I want to work coz now "I want to earn money". Thats the only reason. I want to be a contributing part of our family. I am tired of sitting at home and being desperate, seeing Viju desperate to reach his goals. I want to help him acheive his goals, fulfill his dreams. Life, is not just about me anymore. It is about us : Viju and Me. When we got married, I still remember he telling me all that he ever wants to do in this life :). Some of them are: Taking a trip to Europe, Go to NASA and see a rocket launch, buy a beach house in Mangalore. Yeah I know all of them are pretty materialistic, but you know what, they matter a lot to him... and so to me too. I want him to be the happiest person I have ever seen. He has a lot to achieve in life yet, and he dreams of it everyday. I can see it in his eyes.

He loves me like crazy, pampers me and treats me like the queen of his heart. I really am blessed to have met him. I really am proud to be called his wife. I never thought I could fall in love with anybody so much that I couldnt think of life without him!! But yes, it is true...I cant even imagine how life would be without he being a part of it... I always was this very practical, rational and head strong person - or so I thought :) But I think I must admit that I am hopelessly romantic!! With so much of bitterness in my past, falling in love and trusting someone looked really difficult. But with Viju around, life seems so very easy, and full of love. Long, treacherous paths look short and easy...stupid talks, foolish acts look appalling and sensible :) With my Viju around, life seems alright!! As the song goes: "Jaane kyun, Dil jaanta hai, tu hai to I'll be alright" I know I can count on him for anything and everything. He is my anchor, he is my best friend, he is my identity, he's my life... and I would do absolutely anything to make him happy. Absolutely ANYTHING.

I guessed I digressed from the subject... which, apparently is nothing. But this post was written JLT... these are just thoughts floating around in my head everyday, every moment... ppl reading this post may laugh at me, but frankly, I dont care. This is my space, and I can write anything I want to here....

But yes, It definitely has been a long time since I wrote something constructive...lotsa ideas in the head, no time / motivation to pen them down...will do it someday. But today, this one's for my Viju... Love you Shona...