Why did I write today??

Wow! Long time since I blogged... not really in a very good mood today, but maybe thats why I am here. Coz sometimes, there's just no one who would understand, no one who would reason with me, and no one, absolutely no one who would give me credit for what I am today.

I haven't had a very great teenage, I must say. I had issues, big time, which, sort of made me the "untouchable" among my classmates in school and junior college. Why am I writing all this today?? I have a friend here with whom I speak almost every day. She's my friend from college days. Got off the phone after an incomplete conversation with her, and her words kept ringing in my ear: Savita, you made all the wrong choices then. You were in bad company, you never made the right kind of friends. When people saw you with Neha, they were shocked as to what was Neha doing with you. We all used to gossip about you and your "achievements".

Well, I know I have made many mistakes back then. But sometimes, not everything is under your control, is it? How many people actually know what I was going through? How can anybody become so judgmental without knowing the entire story or history of events? I know what I was going through, and yes, although I do admit that I was wrong in my decisions, to err is only human!! It is because I did make those mistakes, that I know today that they are indeed "mistakes"! Being a victim of MPD, I know how it was. Quite frankly, these people, I am referring to, might not even know half of what I do. To be threatened, tortured, dominated and abused by someone, is something no woman would ever want to go through. But I did! And was it under my control? Was it my choice? Hell NO!!

Then why was it I had no friends back then? I still remember walking all alone on the streets of Anushaktinagar, with no one to even say Hi to. Everyone had their own group - A, B, C, D; P, Q, R, S; X, Y, Z - but me. And why? Coz I had an affair with a guy who was the gunda of the colony. How many of them know that I did not WANT to, but was so downright scared(of getting killed) of that guy, that I had to listen to him? I bet no one knows this. How many of them tried to help me? No one. But I dont blame any of them, coz they did not know how it was, what was the truth, and even if they did, I am sure there was nothing much they could have done. No one knows I developed MPD thanks to the same guy! :)

That was such a long time back. Personally, I have no regrets w.r.t what I went through, coz today, I don't consider my past as a nightmare, but more of a lesson well learnt. And I am happy I am able to smile back at my past. Yet, I wondered today, why is it that I have to be reminded of my past even now in the most scornful way? Only to make me feel more guilty? Only to make me realize I have never had that many friends? Careerwise, haven't I achieved more or equally as compared to all you people? Why cannot I be given credit for any of that? Cut me some slack guys! I made mistakes, and I learnt from them, I worked on getting better, and today, I am! But yet, I am being projected as the "girl who was that gunda's GF"! Why? Can't we let bygones be bygones?

But all this does not mean that I am not happy today(I did work on my mistakes! Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. And I learnt.). By the grace of God, I am happily married, have in-laws who dote on me, and yes, I definitely have some very good friends. Not many, but true friends. And above all, I shall always be thankful to my parents and my Sis... without whom I might have never come out of the lurch. In fact, I am so grateful to them, coz they did let bygones be, and accepted me with all my issues. I couldnt have been what I am today without them, needless to say. Having said all this, I am very sure that my past can never affect my present and future. These were just thoughts, for today, gone tomorrow...

I just wish I could make people think more positively about me, and not so reproachfully. I too did turn out to be a successful, confident, independent and beautiful woman that you all are. I too did achieve all that you did. I too am a good person, just like the rest of you.

I too needed a second chance to prove myself, that many do. But I never got that second chance...

Well, no more regrets, now that it is out of my system! :)

And thats why I wrote today.